I’m fed up with myself. 2009 is almost over, and all my weight loss goals have gone out the window. I’ve had varying success with exercising consistently and eating right, but stress/anxiety levels have been through the roof. My horrendous commute has sucked almost 2 hours per day from my disposable time, and the stress at work has really impacted my quality of life. At my highest last month, I hit 297 in Atlanta on my Thanksgiving trip. When I got home, I got to work, went walking around the hospital as much as possible, and started being more careful about what I ate. I’m hovering around 285 as of a few days ago. My flesh is flabby, my clothes are tight, the double chin is back, and I’m craving all the foods that are “bad” for me. Holiday snacks are plentiful and I’m going to be on the road for the next two weeks. I’m trying to plan in some exercise, but it’s tough with all the wintery weather.

Being in Oregon with my grandma has been tough. She’s vocal about how I look in a very negative manner (as always). I’ve had excess weight since elementary school, and only for a short time in high school did she every say I was beautiful. And it was because I was skinny from Phen-Fen at the time. I have this horrible radar for how she judges people off of her weight. When she tells me stories about people she knows, descriptions will be:

“Slim, attractive young lady”
“Intelligent, gorgeous, slender wo-man”
“Unfortunate portly man”

It’s been difficult to hear her make these weight judgments, especially when I’ve recently been so self-conscious about my health/appearance. On the other hand, it’s frustrating that she’ll hand me a heavily-buttered slice of toast and then ask me how my cholesterol is. Or pile on a second helping of food, and then make comments about how I need to do better keeping my “figure”. She probably has never had a weight problem; she is thin as a rail, she only eats one or two meals a day, and she goes walking several times a week. She obviously has better eating habits than I do. She tells me that she fasts regularly to keep herself fitting into her size-6 closet of clothes.

Eleanor Roosevelt said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I typically feel quite self-confident about myself, but I’ve always been disappointed with my body. I wish that she didn’t make me feel like such an obese slob. She makes comments about the weight of other people in the family, and it hurts me that she makes it such a personal issue to discuss. A few years ago, my mom lashed out at her for criticizing her weight. Since this incident, Grandma never has said a comment about her weight, to her face at least. I know Grandma means well, but I also don’t have the heart to be disrespectful to my 81 year old elder.

I’ve decided that 2009 will be it – This will be the year I get down to a “healthy” weight. I want to get out of the “morbidly obese” category, and hopefully just down to “overweight”. Taylor also wants to lose weight, and has said that he’ll do everything he can to support me. We’ll learn ways to cook and eat together that do not sabotage the other’s efforts. We would love to get back down to our wedding weight this year, because we’re going to go on a cruise for our 5-year anniversary in October. I hope to lose those 50 pounds in 10 months, and I honestly think it’s doable if I’m focused and have a good support network.

We’re going to make a specific effort on how much we eat out, and the things that we cook at home. We’ll learn recipes together, and keep the ingredients in the house for these healthy recipes, so we’re not tempted to run and grab fast food for dinner (which has become too much a part of our routine in MI, and I can directly attribute a great percentage of my weight gain this year.) As much as Taylor doesn’t like the idea, we’ll try having more meatless meals with a variety of vegetables and fruits. When we do eat out, we’ll split plates and limit appetizers and desserts. And we’ll pack more healthy snacks for when we travel. We are honestly going to try to limit our exposure to the “southern cooking,” even though we love how it tastes. And despite living in the land of Coca-Cola, I’m going to try to give up my caffeine habit.

I want to make exercise a part of my daily routine without seeming like a chore. I do like to exercise; I understand the way that it gives me endorphins and energizes me, the way it combats my depression and anxiety, the way it makes me feel stronger and leaner. However, I’m not going to set a super-specific goal like “30 minutes 5 times a week,” or “45 minutes 4 times a week.” For me, those types of goals are doomed for failure. My goal is to make activity a daily part of my life: walking from a parking spot a little further away, taking the stairs instead of the elevator at work, walking to the grocery store instead of driving (it’s literally within walking distance from our new place in Atlanta). We’re going to get an elliptical machine and set of weights for our home instead of buying a spendy gym membership. Our new condo has a swimming pool and tennis courts. I may occasionally use the gym on campus for a hard and heavy workout.

So here is my quest. I know I can do it. I hope to find some friends that are blogging about their weight loss so we can support each other. For now, I’ll probably just keep this blog private, but as I have some success to share, I may open it up.

Carpe diem.