One of the reasons I have been obese most of my life is because, well, I love food. Who doesn’t? I’ve always had a pretty exotic palate and have loved trying new things. Before surgery, even when I didn’t like something, I’d usually eat it. Now…I (inconspicuously) spit things out.

I still like to eat, but it’s not as satisfying as it was. When I was in North Carolina last week for Type A Parent Conference, I realized how picky I was compared to other people.

Take these enchiladas – I ordered them because shredded beef in sauce is usually pretty tolerated in my pouch. But I didn’t eat the pico de gallo on top (can’t eat uncooked onions, tomatoes weren’t ripe enough), ate the guacamole, fished some beef out of the enchiladas, but left the tortillas. I poked around my plate a lot. I maybe ate 20% of the food I was served, and didn’t bring any leftovers with me, for two reasons 1) No fridge in my hotel, 2) Leftovers almost always make me sick (especially leftover meat.)

Some restaurants are easier to order at than others. I went to Cheesecake Factory about a month ago, and only found 2 items in their expansive 26-page menu that I could tolerate. And again, I picked around my plate and barely made a dent in the gigantic portion. My go-to restaurant items are soup or maybe a side of meat. I watch other people eat with mixed feelings – some jealousy that they can eat things I can’t eat anymore, but it reminds me of the portions I used to consume. I also get a lot of apologies  – “Sorry I’m eating something you can’t eat” or “Will this make you sad if I eat this in front of you?”

Eating at home is hard too. I feel like I have to put so much thought into my food choices, and can’t just make decisions on the spot. My husband and I often have this conversation in the morning when he wants to get me something for breakfast.

• Do you want me to make you a smoothie?
• No.
• How about some yogurt?
• Meh, no.
• Do you want eggs?
• Ugh no. I’m not in the mood to vomit.
• Geez, you’ve gotten so hard to make breakfast for.

We also are now sharing a fridge with my family (since we moved into my parents basement) and there’s not as much space for our food selections. Or things get accidentally eaten. Also, instead of being 3 blocks from the grocery store, we’re about 5 miles. It sometimes feels easier to just not eat than go shopping.

My meals are supposed to be be 70% protein, 30% vegetables. But I don’t always get the ratio right every meal. My lunch the other day was a few slices of Mocetta beef, a couple of pistachios, a couple of carrot chips, and some watermelon.  It’s been so nice to add some fresh veggies and fruit back into my diet, but they don’t always stay down. I’ve been craving salads, but my attempts at fresh romaine lettuce and baby spinach have been quite uncomfortable.

Despite the small portions, my weight loss hasn’t been exceptionally impressive. I spent a few weeks hovering between 298 and 301, and I was getting frustrated. Yesterday I was at 295, and I hope to leave the 290s behind very soon. Still, it’s hard to be upset about losing 78 pounds in less than 5 months.