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Weighty Impressions

Weighty Impressions

judge notToday was a tough day emotionally. Several instances of insensitivity really got me into an introspective mood. There are a lot of things that have been on my mind today, and I’ve been pondering thoughts regarding the perception of others. Specifically, how obese people are perceived by those who look at them.

I’m writing this while I’m completely emotionally charged. I might curse and say things that I later regret, but I feel like I’m going to explode if I don’t get it out there (at least for a short time). In fact, this post may suddenly disappear in the future.

I’ve always believed that every joke or tease has an element of truth to it. So even when somebody says “just kidding!” after a mean comment, there had to be something they believed about the remark as a reference point. Teasing never just comes totally out of the blue. I also believe that some topics should never be teased about.

Honestly, I can take a joke about 97% of the rude remarks people make about me. Like about my big boobs. Yes, they’re always in the way. Come up with anything dumb to say about it because I’m comfortable with my mammary largesse. I’ll usually laugh at anything you have to say. But I don’t know ANYONE who is 100% comfortable with joking criticism about weight and health.

While I’m aware that my body is disgusting to many people, I know that I’ve done my very best over the last two decades to get to a healthy weight. I try to dress well for my body shape, I bathe and I’m properly groomed, I know how to accessorize and make myself look pretty amazing. So when I hear people say “you’ve let yourself go” or they tell me I’m lazy, it honestly pisses me off. If I’d let myself go, I’d probably weigh double what I do now. If I was a lazy person, I would have zero muscle tone nor tolerance for exercise.

Not only do many people assume obese people are lazy, they also assume that they are dirty and smelly, dumb and uneducated, have no common decency, or that you have some kind of invisible disability. But as the old saying goes… if you ASSUME, it makes an ASS of U and ME.

I am aware that some people are just mean to others because it makes them feel better. Case in point: there is an annoying fake Twitter account that was set up to mock me. It’s basically a guy version of me, but much more crass. I know who is behind it, and it’s a person who will always be nice to my face, but watches my blog and social media feeds like a hawk to find fodder for his tweets. He’s a flat out bully. I joke that he’s either totally in love with me (and embarrassed about it) or feels so awful about himself that he found an easy target. His latest tweet was likening my surgery blog and pictures to him getting a penis enlargement, and how he’s so vain he’ll be tweeting pictures of it. Really classy.

I know some are scared of being seen with a fat person or of fat people in general. Cacomorphobia is a fear of fat or obese people, who are literally being terrified of being around a fat person without a rational reason. I’m certain I’ve been avoided just for that reason – some people are scared of me. I often feel shunned in social situations because people try to act like I don’t exist. Or people think I will be dangerous or “a liability” to them.

As you can see, I’m very sensitive to the way others perceive and treat me. Much of my time in the therapist’s chair is dealing with painful experiences from insensitive people, and trying to not care about others opinions. My life is already a flux between despair and euphoria, and I’m trying to not add in the hurt that others try to cause me.

But the scars are deep. I’ll never forget when a bunch of 5th grade boys in my class started chanting “Fat bitch! Fat bitch!” in the lunchroom. Fifth grade! I’ll never forget the time when my weight exceeded the point that my husband found me sexually unattractive, and the conversation that I had with him. It breaks my heart every time I smile and make eye contact with someone, and they veer off in another direction. I try to deal, and I try to forgive, but I’ll never forget.

My plea to you? BE NICE. Treat others with kindness and give them the benefit of the doubt. Try to imagine yourself in others circumstances, and act respectfully. And remember to keep your words sweet and tender, because tomorrow you may have to eat them.


  1. Nicole, I have no words …
    I cannot even begin to say how very sad it makes me that you live with this hanging over your head. Wanted to tell how very much I enjoyed meeting you last year, look forward to doing it again … and wish you the very, very best on your road to recovery here.
    Hugs and happy thoughts to you xxx

    • Thanks for your words, even if they were hard to find 🙂 You are one of the best friendships that I’ve made from conferences last year, and I look forward to seeing you again this year. I’ll be looking a whole lot different, so watch out!

  2. Nicole, I am not commenting on this post because I am a really good friend, because I’ve met you in person after being blog friends, because I have met your daughter and stayed at your house, or because I am “obligated” for any of those reasons.

    I would write this comment on anyone’s blog who has told me the story you have. I am appalled that you’ve been treated this way, and can’t believe these hideous people would go out of their way to hurt your feelings like that. The fact that you’ve heard such a mean comments, and are still so beautiful, such a wonderful mom, and so positive and transparent proves that you are SO far beyond the people who have teased you and tormented you.

    I’m so happy you took this chance. You made the choice, to take a chance, so you can change. Only a handful of people in this world are brave enough to take the first step. No matter if you lose 20lbs or 100 – you are a success. I just know you’re going to find that healthy, perfect spot where you feel amazing…because girl you are DEVASTATINGLY gorgeous inside and out and I am flat out jealous. Now I have to actually TRY. *sigh*

    • There there, whoreface. It’s not so hard being second prettiest when we are together. 🙂 Thank you for your words, and for being empathetic to the awful kind of treatment that people give each other. It’s hard to know what people are like on the inside, and I’m glad that we’ve shared our insides (so to speak 🙂

      • TruthToTell says:

        Hi, Nicole. I lost 190 pounds after my gastric bypass. (I started out weighing 348 lbs right before surgery). I got down to 165 lbs. and now I’m at least 5 yrs post-op and I only weigh 170-175 lbs because I am getting cardio 5 days a week, and making efforts to eat properly (lots of salad, vegetables and lowfat proteins), and I cut back on junky foods, milk and carbs. Because I was an obese female and I’ve been subjected to the stereotypes, abuse and poor treatment of others, I understand how it feels. Luckily for me, I never tolerated anyone mistreating me or trying to give me a hard time because they had a problem or distaste for overweight people. I learned fast the importance of defending myself and self-respect. I hate it when people make dumb assumptions like: overweight people all are lazy, weak, overeat all the time, all have diabetes, aren’t coordinated, sexy, sensible, clean… These assumptions are born out of ignorance. Some people assume that being heavy must mean that people lack the sense and the will-power to eat healthier and to exercise, and they are unable to clean themselves or have sex appeal to anyone else! Well, those assumptions are simply not true, and each overweight person has his or her own reason(s) for that. Some have medical conditions such as hormone, thyroid conditions which prevents successful weight loss. MANY people take medications which can create weight gain through increased appetite, water weight gain, and/or meds that disrput the thyroid gland. Slow metabolism can affect a person’s ability to lose weight. There are also hereditary factors which inhibits some people from losing weight. Some people simply have not been instructed on proper weight loss diet and exercise for themselves. Some people have injuries or illnesses which prevents them from getting the exercise they need to lose weight. Some people have dietary or stomach/intestinal health conditions which can limit what foods can be consumed… There are many reasons why people gain weight, but it does not mean everyone overweight got that way from eating like pigs and hitting Mickey D’s every week. Also, being overweight does not dictate how intelligent, sexy or clean a person is. Indeed – I have met MANY MANY think or athletic people who are dumb as a post, they lack sex appeal or anything remotely attractive and they STINK.
        I had weight loss surgery because of health problems and it was a quality of life decision, recommended by my doctor. It was not because I care what anyone thinks of me. Whenever I see someone being made fun of for being heavy, I remind people that they have NO idea why that person is overweight, and furthermore, it’s none of anyone’s business.

  3. Nicole,

    Thanks for having the courage to write this. I know a little of what it is like to have people look at you where ever you go, and to hear whispers and comments. I have a form of dwarfism called achondroplasia and am only 4’6″, and it is noticed everywhere.

    It hurts to hear of the mean things people have said about you. The closest I can come to imagine what that feels like is once, while on my mission, when my companion and I were out tracting, a couple of young boys down the street starting yelling at us. To hear kids make fun of missionaries wasn’t so big of a deal, I guess. But to hear what they said cut deep.

    “F***ing midget! Look at the f***ing midget!”

    That happened probably 15 years ago. In my heart, I remember it like it happened this morning.

    Your post reminded me of something I had wrote privately the other day using words from a song from one of my favorite albums. I thought I’d share, hope you don’t mind the length.

    With clarity, my scars remind me
    Ask yourself what’s just under my skin

    If anyone knows anything about scars, I think I have that covered. I have scars on all major areas of my body from surgeries. However, for me, there is one that is the most important scar (another comes close, because it too saved my life, but these circumstances were much better) I have. I cannot put my hand under my shirt on my right side and not feel part of the 12 inch scar I have from my transplant. And, ask yourself, what’s just under my skin there?

    You can feel the outline of love. Indeed, what you can feel right there at the surface is my transplant kidney. My wonderful donor’s gift of love to me.

    But just as that scar and what’s right under my skin literally reminds me of love and sacrifice and my worth, my other most important scar teaches me that the most important is inside. This is the scar that I have about an inch below my navel. It was here a catheter was put when I was six weeks old, to finally give my body relief, to empty my bladder, to rid it of toxins. Finally, the blockage was discovered and I could be given relief. Once the doctors looked at what’s inside of me, I could live.

    So, I live because what is inside of me. With clarity my scars — seen and unseen — do remind me this.

    Hope you can find some comfort during your healing times.

    • Travis, thank you for sharing so much about yourself. I can only imagine the horrors you’ve been through, both physically and emotionally. I’m glad we’ve made contact and hope to get to know you more during the coming weeks.

  4. You are brave to share this and I can tell you that you’re not the only one going through such maltreatment. I became a target in my former workplace because management saw me as “not professional enough.” Being overweight, I had to try twice as hard to look as “professional” as the others around me. After being seriously chewed out by my boss last year, I suffered from PTSD and resorted to giving myself a perm so they would stop accusing me of having dirty hair (my hair is horribly flat). I’m fairly certain my weight has interfered with getting jobs and I’ve heard the way people will talk when they don’t think you’re around. Hang in there. Your strength will get you through this.

    • Thanks for sharing with me, Karen. I’m sorry you had to stoop to a PERM to show your boss you were profession. That’s dedication…even if it’s totally unnecessary. I’ve had many awful experiences with people who treated me like garbage, and it starts to make you feel like garbage. I just want to give you a big hug! If you have some time this week, maybe you could come visit me. I’m not up for much, but maybe I could give you some resume pointers.

      • When I lost my job, a friend shared this quote with me that I keep running through my head on a regular basis:
        “You is kind. You is smart. You is important.”

  5. Nicole,

    Your post breaks my heart. People can be VILE.

    I want you to know that I think you are a wonderful person. You are a very talented writer and I have enjoyed reading your blog and keeping updated on your story, its inspiring.

    If any of those people actually talked to you with real genuine interest they would see that you glow with compassion, joy and generosity. You have a great sense of humor, and a passion for life. You are already a better, stronger, and more christian person than 99% of us.

    I look forward to reading more about your journey!

    • Thank you for all your kind words, Suzanne. I appreciate the friendship you’ve shown me in the time we’ve worked together. I’ll miss working with you…we’ll have to meet up for Cafe Rio lunches occasionally (and I’ll eat my 2 ounces of sweet pork)

      • I would love to meet up! I’m going to send out my contact info on Friday so we can keep in touch 🙂

        And Nicole, remember to “just keep swimming”!

  6. I love you. You are genuine and kind. You may not know this about me but In sixth grade the boys nicknamed me Konan the Barbarian (as I went through puberty early). Moving to the US at a young age I was always teases and never felt as I fit in. I was a geek early on, wore thick glasses and didn’t know cultural aspects of being an American but what it did do was teach me compassion. When the Young Women of the other ward toilet papered by house in 7th grade as a YW activity, I promised myself I would never go toilet papering. I’ve always wanted to fit in but more importantly I vowed to never make others feel the way I did.

    • Wow Kathy. I would have never guessed that you had gone through all of that, but sometimes it takes being vulnerable and writing posts that others can relate too. From the first time I saw you, I thought you were one of the most gorgeous women I’d ever met! And I was especially excited that you befriended me when you did because I really needed a wonderful and caring friend. I also was the victim of TPing (and egging, dog food, forking, and other pranks) and I am glad that we both decided to never stoop so low to do it to others.

  7. I’ve been trying to think of something to say for the past hour but I’m speechless. Thanks for this post.

  8. Well said Nicole. This post made me sad and I’m sorry you’ve been on the receiving end of such ugly behavior. We’ve all got struggles, some are just a little more visible than others. What a good reminder to be a little kinder to everyone.

    I’m so impressed with your ability to keep your chin up even when the going gets tough. Your attitude is nothing short of inspiring. Best wishes in your recovery and in the lifestyle change you’re undergoing.

  9. I am also appalled at the mean and hurtful things others have said about you. GRRRR! Makes me want to punch them, or at least defend you to the very end.

    Why can’t people see your beautiful face, your amazing personality, your sweetness in all you do? Because they’re self-esteem is in the crapper & they don’t have near the grace, sophistication and maturity you have.

    Well, I see those things in you ALL the time, no matter your outward appearance. You are a wonderful daughter of God, who loves you very much, an appreciates all of your beauty, both inside and out. As do I. Remember that always!

  10. Marci. Jones says:


    Thank you for being brave enough to share this journey. It cannot be easy to bring such a horribly judged piece of yourself out into the open. I know how miserable I felt when I got to my heaviest some years ago. I worked really hard and lost a lot but not all that I wanted. Now it is coming back even though I eat carefully. The looks are starting again not to mention how I feel. This is just a hard battle , and I applaud you for sharing the journey. You truly are a beautiful woman and will be blessed.

  11. Oh NO they didn’t. You have every right to be angry and want to take action. Go get’em!! Keep us updated, hun! No one has the right to talk to OR about you like that, whether or not you heard.

  12. Emma's bucket list says:

    Nicole, that has literally made me weep! Bless your lively heart, you are such a kind and big hearted person, and although its disgusting and appalling that your work colleagues have been reduced to such negative and downright inhumane treatment, you are a wonderful person who is just trying her best to be attractive…

    And you know what? Beauty is not on the outside, though in truth-you are a pretty lady. A friend of mine commented on a picture of you ages ago and said what amazing eyes you have! You have a wonderful smile that radiates warmth and you would literally do anything for anyone.

    I hope some of these people have enough common decency and strength of character to read this and feel a sense of remorse for the way they have made you feel, and have the strength of character to apologise if they do…

    Group dynamics and psychology is surprisingly negative and I never cease to be amazed at the natural tendency of groups to scapegoat others.

    Please don’t delete this post. It’s moving and it came from deep in your heart. I think it will help both others who are in your situation to feel understoon and more importantly others who are not in your situation to re-evaluate the consequences of their actions and words on a human level.

    You probably have a case for suing your employer for constructive dismissal, discrimination and bullying in the work place, yet there you are sticking it out and holding your head up high in defiance and sticking by your principles. I hope people listen and realise how cruel they are being-not just to you, but to others who feel just as miserable and beaten up by these actions and attitudes…

    At the end of the day, you *know * your weight is unhealthy, but you are doing your best to change your health and your future! You are beautiful on the inside and you know what?! I think you are beautiful on the outside too actually! Damn what the others say…

    As for your husband, I know he loves you and your daughter dearly, and he is still there with you supporting you. Sex is just one aspect of a relationship. I know it’s hard for you, and I’m sure he must battle with his own feelings, but above all he LOVES you! Love is not sex, and though I enjoy a healthy sexual relationship-I would choose true love from my man over sex ANY day!

    You will get the body you want, but the strength you gained through your suffering makes you more beautiful than that ever will. As someone who is a US size 2-4 I can tell you that I still have body hang ups and hate my physical appearance on days… To the point I have cried! You are not alone because you carry extra weight, and these people ARE targeting you because they are weak and need self validation through the self assurance that they can make someone else feel worse than they do (trust me when I say skinny girls are some of the most insecure of all).

    Big hugs to you, and thank you so much. I think this is your best post on any blog, to date xxx

  13. I think this post needs to stay up. I sincerely hope that it does not disappear, because it is a strength to those who read it. I cannot say I know how you feel in this specific regard. I have never been obese, and I am hardly overweight. But I do know what it is like to be ridiculed. I know what it is like to lose any shred of self confidence over the insensitivity of others. There are many people who need to read this just to make them think twice about what they say about other people,when they think the target of their “humor” is out of earshot. And beyond that people who are not making the jokes need to get off their own high horse and either defend those being ridiculed or at very least walk away.

    You are beautiful, and I am lucky to call you a friend. We all have our trials and you will come through this as a shining beautiful example of strength. I wish you all the best in this journey and if you need anything, you know how to reach me! <3

  14. Nicole – thanks for posting this. I too am a woman working in a man’s world. Even though I am a size 4, I have experienced discrimination in the workplace. Most mentoring in my profession is done informally. I can count on one hand the number of times a senior partner asked me if I wanted to go to lunch back when I was an associate (12 years!). The new associates who are men get asked five times in their first month on the job. I have been passed over for assignments because men did not want to work with me. I have been passed over for business development opportunities out of town because they didn’t want to travel with me for fear of what their wives would do or how they would be “perceived.” The other attorneys’ wives often look at me with derision and scorn, as if I am here to get laid or steal their husbands. Nope. Just here to support myself and my son. Many people assume that I “slept my way” to where I’ve gotten to today. Sorry, folks. I only wish my life were that glamorous. I am a working single mom, and I got here the old-fashioned way. I earned it.

    • It’s so sad what people assume about each other, especially with professional working women. I can only imagine the frustration of what you have experienced in your career. There are some who actually perpetuate the cliches with their actions, and it makes it hard for the rest of us. I am glad that you have worked hard and been successful in your career with your hard work and persistence.

  15. My heart aches for you.
    As a mom I’ve heard my fair of what the “meanies” say and I am appalled; after reading your post I understand that the children are learning it from their parents.
    I’m going to tell you what I have always told my children. “Be glad you are (fat, freckled, tall, short, smart, or whatever) because that is a blessing compared to the ugly the person who said it displays for others.”
    Hold your head up. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are awesome!

  16. I’m on hefty painkillers for my upcoming back surgery so I will keep this brief. I want to kill people who make mean comments about people people, specifically about weight. They are truly a waste of oxygen on this planet and I am furious that it every happens – to anybody. (back to bed for me. xo)

  17. First, I had never heard of Cacomorphobia…I guess people CAN be afraid of anything, regardless of how silly. Secondly, you made me LOL for real at “mammary largesse”…I’m gonna have to use that!

    Nicole, I remember when I met you at Type A…and we were sitting on the bench outside (both of us in black and pink which already told me we were kindred spirits!) talking about what I can’t remember but I knew that you were just COOL! You had the cool vibe!

    How can anybody not see that, even if just in a short conversation with you. That’s one of the many problems we humans have bred – lack of compassion, heart, understanding of oneness for each other. This saddens me to no end.

    I’m sure you know (and your therapist has most likely pointed out as well) that 99.999% of the time, people who make remarks like the ones you’ve noted are not really talking about you at all. There’s something they innately hate about themselves or mad at the world about and just need to find somebody else to take it out on (it’s usually subconscious).

    There was a dude in my 6th grade class who was dirty, smelled, and didn’t look good at all who ALWAYS talked about others. I didn’t understand how he could find the nerve. But my teacher told the class one day he was absent that he had to talk about others first because he knew people were always talking about him. He thought if he lashed out first, people would leave him alone or not mess with him as much and/or decrease the attention on him (somehow). So he learned the art of “joning.”

    Found out later, he lived mostly by himself, had a crackhead mother, no father, no one else to fend for him, and he lived a crappy life. No wonder he was the way he was. (I wonder where he is now….#randomthought…)

    When I was growing up (and probably now still but it’s just not as blatant), I was teased OFTEN about my skin tone. I was called every “black” thing under the sun. Because I’m a punk Pisces, I had a hard time dealing emotionally but never told anybody.

    I wouldn’t wear black anything because I didn’t want to fuel the comments about me “disappearing” in my clothing…I used to look at myself and wonder what it would be like to be light skinned.

    As I got older, I started to deal better and even enjoy my skin color. I totally wear bright colors now and even wear black socks (which was a huge no no for me back in the day)!

    Now I won’t lie and say that when/if I hear comments about me being so dark that I’m completely and totally okay with it. Noooo, but I usually just shake it off as fast as I can and keep moving. It’s easier said than done!

    I said all that to say that I feel you, I know exactly where you are coming from, you have the right to air your feelings about idiots, and you have inspired me to tell my story because I haven’t told but one other person for real (well now 2 with you and who knows who else is reading!) 🙂

    Hope to see you soon (possibly somebody’s conference this year?) 🙂


  18. Nicole, anyone who truly knows you…knows you for the beautiful heart that is inside your body. The way that it beats for those around you and how every breathe you take is a gift for all of us. You are a wonderful person. You have blessed my life. When I was the new kid and didn’t have a friend in the world you took me in…and we had some fun times listening to the Beatles every day after school, too. I don’t know what I would have done without you. And here……a decade or more later, you take the time to stop by my house to visit me. I love that you treasure others. You should be treasured also. Remember the amazing person you are. The person your husband married you for and the person we all love. The outside is just a hard part of life we all deal with in one way or another. If those people think they are flawless, they are mistaken. Because one flaw you can only hide for so long is that of character. I love you Nicole! Keep your chin up and keep at it. you are doing great!!!! Luvs!!!

  19. Nicole,

    First off, thank you so very much for being brave enough to share your story. I felt myself crying as I read about your struggles and determination to press through them in dealing with the ignorant people in your life.

    As I read your story I was taken back to the years before my sad exit from the BTC (Big T**** Committee). I weighed ~240 lbs and enjoyed life but life didn’t seem to enjoy me at all. I was miserable…not because of what I weighed but the people around me. This included my own family. Oh no one could really tell, because I could joke and laugh with the best of them, but inside I was dying. People’s jokes and criticisms (no matter the beginning topic) always made its way back to my weight. We could discuss how socks should always match and no one did but somehow the conversation would always make its way to the size of my butt or my breasts.

    I felt it was all my fault and if I wasn’t big…they wouldn’t have a thing to say. I wanted to live life without all of that hurt, pain, and drama. Well, I finally got my chance, I lost about 80 lbs and my life changed. Its weird, because I knew the men would be nicer. I knew that would bring about a change there…but EVEN THE WOMEN were nicer to me. How ridiculous was that?!!

    I started dating like crazy and life seemed better…I say seemed. I later married my dream guy (because I was smaller…of course!) and he turned out to be my nightmare. I soon realized that many of these people were not my friends before the weight loss…and they weren’t my friends after the weight loss. Now going through a divorce and heavier again after giving birth to a beautiful baby; I realize that happiness comes from within and one friend in particular has taught me that no matter what…Live life to the fullest. People will strike where they can so you just have to “Do You”. The dynamics in my life changed but the ugliness didn’t…people were still cruel and it had nothing to do with my weight. The just made for an easy target for some. The jokes went to other things. It was never about my weight…it was about me. My “weak spot” in my confidence is what people liked to attack and (unfortunately) fat jokes are very popular in our society.

    I know I rambled but bottom line: you are very beautiful from what I can see. Keep doing YOU…You seem very talented and wonderful. Maybe THAT’S what bothers your bullies most of all. Thanks again for sharing,


  20. It never ceases to amaze me that certain activities are only for people who are “good” at them. Somehow people who are gifted at certain things (like the natural athlete I am so not) or look a certain way assume that they are better somehow or more entitled. I really appreciate that you continue to reach out to people socially and work on not being drowned in the toxicity of your surroundings. I also appreciate your posts about your reality. Sometimes we can’t understand others’ lives, and without brave souls willing to reach out, we never would.

    I’m sure I will see you soon and am sending good vibes in your direction!

  21. No, don’t delete this. I am hugely impressed by your humility and courage to say things most people would never want to tell even a close friend, never mind the internet. It’s important that we share ourselves and our feelings honestly so that people can learn not only to be comfortable with others but to be comfortable with themselves.

    Shame on the complete idiots around you. Are they educated at all? Is there anything particularly admirable about them? I don’t think I associate with anyone who would be that horrifically heartless. Mainly because I don’t associate with ignorant people. So, this shocks me. This is not normal behaviour and I hope it’s uncommon. I’m sorry that you have to endure this.

    I would not have thought that you had to endure all of this because you seem to glow. And you’re beautiful. I wouldn’t say that if I didn’t mean it because that’s a personal rule I have. I want people to know that I mean what I say. I don’t embellish or flatter. You’re very pretty.

    I hope the very best for you, that everything works out the way you most imagine and desire. Bravo for being such a problem solver, someone who doesn’t give up, who has more gumption than the asshats around you and more than the average person. I hope they have really good reasons for being so stupid — like their parents constantly berated them when they were kids, or something. I mean, the Twitter feed?! How immature and mindless! To have so much hate is mind-boggling. I can’t imagine even spending that much time hating my ex-husband and I have personal grudges there!

  22. Oh, and your post made me cry. It was really, really upsetting.

  23. Wow. I am really getting choked up reading this. It hurts to read it.

    I am also sickened and horrified. It shocks the hell out of me. How shameful, how disgusting.

    Also, what the #@%$?????


    Honestly, my daughter can be a little snipey and mean at times–that’s the only thing that ever gets her into *real* trouble. These people are missing something in their hearts. They are emotionally impoverished and sick. That’s beneath contempt.

    But I am sad. I am sad that some people are so awful.

  24. Regarding that fake Twitter account, good f**king hell!! That sounds like the product of a high school kid (but I’m guessing it’s the work of an adult, right?) What a pathetic douchebag.

  25. I hope some people read this and feel bad. But most of all, I hope they change, and become nicer.

    I am overweight (Wii Fit says I’m obese! :), but for some reason I can still be happy and confident, even though I hate being plump. I just don’t hate it enough to do anything about it, I guess. I figure that I am just so amazing in every other area, that if God made me skinny too, everyone would hate me! ha ha!

    Love ya girl!

  26. I was very shocked to read how you are being treated. To have grown people like that don’t seem to have basic human compassion, and sensitivity… I am just shocked!! As for the guy with the FAKE account… that is really pathetic and says allot about HIM… Personally he must be a real insecure tool with no real life of his own to be so involved in mocking your life or circumstances. Pitiful!!

    I do believe that only insecure people feel the need to pick on others or look for FLAWS in others. It is sad, and says more about them then anything. We all have flaws, it really doesn’t take much effort to find them in others… and for some people they focus on that rather than to look at and work on their own flaws… I think our own flaws are a full time job. (well at least mine are LOL)

    I was teased tremendously when I was young, first because I was too skinny with long legs, and then because I developed breasts very young. Ironic I think… (since when you are older guys like long legs and breast, which was also confusing when it was then suddenly “cool”, as by then I hated that about myself).
    I was called stork legs, bean pole, you name it. Ironically I ate whatever I wanted and was just really thin. I am sure if my weight was normal it would have been something else… as there is just always something… Then when my thyroid broke a few years ago I am on the other spectrum, and now I can’t lose the 50 lbs I have gained from that… I feel I have been on both ends… and certainly there is a real difference to how people treat you.

    But sadly I think my weight has so little to do with anything important in life. Though I felt better thinner… and I want that healthy feeling/energy back… it really doesn’t change anything about me as a person. I have finally been able to work towards weight loss now that my thyroid is removed and I am on the right dose of meds.

    Your weight struggle is your own, and really no one else should really care or should it impact your relationships with anyone, except your spouse. To me it is just a non-issue. Though your health would be a concern to those who love you…I am sure that your husbands honesty was hurtful… but I actually think that it is great that your relationship is in a great place that he can be honest with you 🙂 And it is not as if he was shallow and left you over a weight issue, he is still there by your side 🙂 Men are visual and have a certain “look” they are turned on by, so in that area we just can’t relate. I don’t think for us “girls” that is really big part of the attraction. But I know he loves you for you, and that he is supporting you.

    I hope that this surgery works well for you, and you find the happy balance for your body and life 🙂

    Surround yourself with those that are supportive and lift you up, and cheer for your successes and desire to push yourself.

  27. This post infuriates me because no one should have to deal with that type of bigotry. Nicole, people don’t want to face their own insecurities so they choose to cut you down instead. I sure hope that none of these people are parents who might be teaching their children to emulate their behavior. Stay strong. You are beautiful.

  28. Travis Spackman says:

    Wow Nicole. I am a little bit behind on your blog but this post just astounds me. This is just disgusting. Regarding the twitter account, as foul as it might be, if you look at the silver lining, you have made an impression on someone so much they feel compelled to create a fake twitter account about you. Think of the amazing power your have over that person. I seriously hope it gets better.

  29. Nicole,
    Your post is beautiful. I come from a family that has always struggled with weight. My dad has been obese my whole life. I went from hearing comments about him from strangers to friends. That somehow my dad was unloveable because of his weight. And those people who said those things had no idea of what an amazing person he is.

    My parents are currently divorced and some of the worst things I ever heard said about my dad were to his face by my own mother. Weight became a never ending topic in my house. Because I had a skinny mom and an obese dad. We heard that if we weren’t careful we would “one day be like him”. I contemplated an eating disorder for awhile as a teen because my prom dress was a little tight. I know just how damaging conversations about weight can be. I still hear it from my siblings, like I heard it from my aunts and uncles and I don’t want that cycle to start all over again. I always try to speak of health and eating healthy and never of “too skinny” or “too fat”.

    My dad is one of my heroes. But years of being beaten down from all sides has left permanent scars on his heart. Two heart attacks later and one divorce, all I want is for my dad to see himself the way he is and to be healthy so that he can stay around and watch his grand kids grow up. I am so sorry that you have had to endure so much scorn and heart ache. So many people don’t understand how it hurts.

  30. Nicole, I cannot BELIEVE that grown adults can be so cruel and disgusting. That kind of behavior is outrageous for children, but is almost beyond comprehensible in an adult. If I did/said some of those things, I don’t think I could live with myself. It’s so interesting to read this, because I’ve been working on a goal recently to be more careful what I say to, and think about, people. Reading this, it makes me want to try harder, just in case, but it also makes me see that I’m really not that bad! I mean, I can’t even IMAGINE people acting that way. I am SO sorry that you’ve even had to deal with this kind of thing in your life. It makes me sick.

  31. I found your blog when I was doing an image search for refillable mugs (funny, huh? Your big water mug from the hospital turned up on my Google image search) but I am in the process of going in for a vertical sleeve gastrectomy later this summer, so this works out great. I’ll bookmark your site and keep checking on your progress!

  32. Nicole Nickell says:

    Nicole-I have found your blog while counting down the days until my surgery on 1/29/2013. I know this was written last year, but I can’t help but feel like this was meant for me to see at this time. I have struggled forever with many of the issues you write about being overweight. Just when I would feel okay with where I was at, someone would ultimatly make a comment that I couldnt let go and it would set me back. Some people have made comments that I am now taking the “easy way out”. This is by far the hardest and most emotional “way out” ever. I want to thank you for sharing your story, because for years I have felt I was alone in my feelings, and I am learning through this process that I am not! It is good to see someone succeeding and who is real! Thank you for sharing your story!

    • This was definitely the hardest post for me to write…and I’ve been blogging for 10 years. I’m glad you found some comfort in me sharing my story. Good luck with your surgery!

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